Kindness Is The Best Foreplay

Kindness Is the Best Foreplay

Nothing, and I mean nothing, does more to advance intimacy, in or out of the bedroom, than kindness. A little tenderness goes a long way.

A friend of mine thought of making a sign with a green side that reads “Getting Lucky Tonight” and a red side that reads “Not Getting Lucky Tonight” as an inspirational tool for encouraging behavioral shifts in relationships. It’s kind of like that hilarious book, Porn for Women, in which men do chores to turn women on. Works like a charm.

Intimacy, sexual intimacy specifically, requires the establishment of safety and comfort. When people are kind, caring, present and attentive during sex, everyone has a better time. Just think of the encounters you’ve had. Was it rude and dismissive comments that seduced you? Or was it sweet and heartfelt whispers that made you swoon? Research indicates that the top 5 qualities that make someone sexy are confidence, kindness, stability, abs (duh) and leadership. We even see popular culture showing more examples of attractive and sweet sex symbols. Just check out any Nicolas Sparks movie.

So the next time you want to spice up your love life, add a little sugar to the loving kindness and watch what happens. After all, even the bible says, “The desire of a man is his kindness.”

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Killing Resentment with Kindness

Believe it or not, resentment and anger have the power to kill. They kill our ability to lead happy and productive lives. They kill our relationships with others.
It’s been a rough week, the roughest in quite some time. Although I am reaching out and calling people in my support system, trying to connect and fighting the urge to curl up to reruns of LOST on Hulu and eat Cafe Del Sol nachos, no one seems available. Some friends! Why is it that when my shit hits the fan, people are not lining up to get messy?
Of course it makes me feel sorry for myself. I love to wallow in self-pity at times like this. Instead of looking at you-know-who (myself), I point the finger at them. I get angry and resentful that no one is running to rescue me and watch me lick my wounds. Why do I feel these toxic feelings, which make me feel physically sick, create stress and anxiety, and can lead to self-destructive behavior?
Maybe this time I should break tradition and send kindness, appreciation and love to my busy friends. By allowing anger and resentment to run (or ruin) my life, I squander many hours that could be spent on more noble thoughts and activities. Even in cases where someone purposely harmed me, anger and resentment  come right back at me like a boomerang. Sending kindness to those who challenge me in small to great ways sets me free from the venomous effects of unhealthy negative emotions.
I need to get over myself. I can still watch LOST, but I think I’ll lose the nacho chips—and the one on my shoulder—and have a few blueberries instead. I’ll be fine.  As Stuart Smalley from SNL used to say, “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And, gosh darn it, people like me!”

Are You My Mother?

Remember that book about the baby chick that embarks on a journey to find its mother? In the book, the chick asks a dog, a cat, a cow and many others, “Are you my mother?”

I have been that chick. I severed my relationship with my mother when I was 17. For many years, I made many of the women in my life my ‘surrogate’ mothers and projected every unresolved mommy issue I carried onto those poor souls. That’s a lot of baggage to dump on someone, but somehow most of them put up with me, helped me realize that they were not my mama bird, and loved me through my struggles.

Long after I became a mother myself, I realized that I wasn’t really searching for my mother. I was searching for my ideal mother—the one I wanted and expected, but never got. Through the process of motherless mothering and a perennial search for a person that existed only in my unrealistic, unmet expectations, I traded in my militant self-pity for feelings of compassion, forgiveness, comfort, warmth and love.

In recent years, I have reconnected with my mother, who I now not only accept, but appreciate. I am very grateful to the proverbial dog, cat, cow and others who set me straight and led me on a path back to my own mama bird.

Each relationship that forms between a mother and child is unique and special in its own way. What is the relationship like between you and your mother?

Kindness is for Tree Hugging Hippies

That’s what I thought before I moved to California from the Right Coast. The word kindness triggered images of wishy-washy, bleeding-heart suckers. This, of course, says a lot about the person I was when I moved here. It also speaks volumes about how, kindness was (and wasn’t) modeled for me. In short, kindness scared me. It was unfamiliar. I didn’t trust people who were kind to me. Why are they being nice to me? What do they really want? Growing up, I was programmed to take and hoard. Operating from a scarcity mentality, I still find myself subconsciously thinking and acting out on the idea that there is not enough of everything I need or want. If I believe there is not enough to go around, and I am looking to only take care of me and mine, giving and kindness are easily forgotten. I am pretty sure, deep down inside, kindness is my natural way of being and I lost touch with it somewhere along the way. Maybe that is why kindness can trigger me. It reminds me of the essential goodness of that caring child. Can you relate to my story? Does it trigger you? In which ways? Do you have another point of view to share?